Comparison,Trials, and the Hope That Awaits Both You and Me!

I haven't blogged forever. 

My heart is calling me to it. My heart is calling me to be transparent.

So maybe this post is for you.

Last night, I got into bed as I had just put down 'Born to Shine', Ashley LeMieux's new book and I was feeling like wow, this girl is freaking amazing. And then the tears started streaming, the ugly cry worked it's way up, and then the sobbing came. The trembling and struggling to breathe with my every ugly cry. My thoughts led me down to the displeasing road of comparison. That's right, I became caught up in the comparison trap. 

I just couldn't stop thinking after everything Ashley from 'The Shine Project' had been through, why had I never seen her stop or even slow down on her business and social media. Why was she able to carry through during her darkest trials and keep showing up for her followers? It was as if she had started her journey on the mountain and when she fell, she just ended up on a mountain below her, but she never fell OFF the mountain. I felt as if I had started my journey on the street, sure sometimes I would make it up a few flights of stairs in a building, but I haven't even gotten to the mountain yet.

Here are just some of the things that I have currently been battling are:

• Weight issues (I have gained 30 lbs. in about 8 months) - people keep thinking I'm pregnant, I don't blame them. I sure look like I have a baby belly, but NOPE! NOT pregnant people! Just battling weight for the first time in my life. It hurts when gossip is spread about you in your ward and you even know the source. Someone you would think would be the LAST person in ANY ward to start the gossip. 

And here's the think with weight issues, 97% of the time it has more to do with emotions and feelings of low self-esteem and being embarrassed many times in life than it has to do with eating. Don't get me wrong, eating PLAYS a HUGE role. BUT, emotions play an even bigger role; I mean think about it, we more often than not eat because of our emotions.

This weight issue came from feelings of worthlessness and shame. It's also a result of being on Paxil for the past two years. It's been a hard battle to accept, but I'm getting there... slowly leaning into it.

• Fear. SO MUCH FEAR. It's hard being a 30-year-old who hasn't even had children yet and you don't know how much longer your parents are going to live. Their health is going downhill very quickly, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I try and offer them all the tips I possibly can, but they have their own free will and I honor that as well. It hurts when you see your parents struggle in faith, but I guess it's a huge blessing that I would go to church alone growing up and my testimony was never tied to theirs.

But what hurts the deepest is the pit in my stomach when I think about the pain they go through physically and emotionally and threats have been made about suicide. When I see their hearts not being able to see the self-worth that lives within and your own parents wonder what they have to offer and if they matter.

• Then there is work. I don't really want to talk about my work at this time. I just know that this isn't where I need to be long term. It's helped me understand my mission & calling, but I am being limited to what these kids REALLY need. And I HAVE to find a way to give that to them. It's innate in me and I'm not going to give up until I do. 

• The battle of depression. The battle of fighting the thoughts that I am not enough. I start to do something so inspired, so awesome and then... I get knocked back down to the street like I was sharing with you. I just want to get up to the mountain and stay there for a little, just once. 

What is exciting though is I am down from 30mg of Paxil to 5mg and I'll be off in a little over a week. I will probably share the WHY and the HOW with you soon because it is SO important to me and dear to my heart.

Okay, so now that this post just got super depressing... let me turn it back around!

I am GRATEFUL for my trials. I am GRATEFUL I felt comparison so deep within me. That's a really uncomfortable feeling. It's a feeling where you feel unsafe. But you know what, it's part of my experience here on earth. If I choose to honor it, to let it stay as long as it needs to stay in my body... I start to not fight the resistance law where what you choose to resist stays with you longer until you choose to acknowledge EVERYTHING is working together for your good.

SO HONOR YOUR FEELINGS. The good. The bad. ALL OF THEM. Trust that they are there for you to experience because of The Fall. We can't move forward without accepting the fight that we are in. Light lives within us, and just because your light may be dimmed currently, doesn't mean it still doesn't live inside of you. It's going to get better! You're going to be able to breathe again. If it's not your happily ever after, it's not the end. Your story isn't OVER yet and neither is mine. 

Let's get up, brush ourselves off and trust in the good that Christ promises. The hope that He offers. If you too feel like me and you just want to know what being on that mountain feels like, we will get there. We simply need to trust that the time we are spending on the street is teaching us things to be able to better help so many others we will find on the mountains when we get there.

Love, Ashley Romney

While Some Call it Fate, it's Truly Divine Design

Nothing fills my soul more than knowing something that I say or do is actually making a difference. The problem is, I don't always get to see the other side, the perspective of the receptor. While that is okay, and it's really a faith thing, the days when I actually get to KNOW...those are different.

Today was one of those days... and it left a huge and impactful imprint on my heart.

The words "It was fate you came in today" just keep replaying in my mind. If only she knew it was a message from God...if only she knew just how much He was watching over her. 

I went in to get my eyebrows waxed today and the esthetician was telling me how she had recently broken up with a guy. Heartache is painful, my heart ached for hers. She was telling me how it was so hard to reminisce over the sentimental photos and details of their relationship, I just listened. I've always loved listening to the heart of another, I've had the thought a time or two how incredible of a therapist I could make. I don't like talking about myself much...not that I'm trying to hide the details of my life because I share those openly on social media, haha. I just simply don't know what to say. Which is kind of awesome, because it makes me one killer listener.

This girl shared with me how she could see he never really loved her, he just loved the way she treated him. She explained how deep it hurt to think about. I too have been through the same thing...I understood. And yet, God has blessed me so very much. Really, it's Christ that has the power to heal all wounds.

Isn't life all about perspective? Isn't there power in hope?

I simply shared with her wisdom that I wish I had understood several years ago. I told her "That's so great it wasn't love! You thought it was love, but it wasn't, even during those really great times. Which means when you find it, real true love, it will be so much better than anything you have felt up to this point. There's so much more hope that awaits you."

It was then that I felt Heavenly Father as she spoke the words, "Wow, I've never thought about it that way. It was fate you came in today."

Neal A. Maxwell once spoke, "He does not do things by 'coincidence' but ... by "divine design". 

Oh, how true that is. I don't know how much she needed those words today. But they weren't my words. They were words from Heavenly Father. It's not me. It's about Him. I simply want to be His messenger. 

I want to be able to always be on His errand. 

Worthy. 

Willing. 

And in tune with The Spirit always 

so I don't miss a beat. 

I haven't gotten my eyebrows professionally done in a long while. Why today? Only Heavenly Father knows. I just happened to get an email with a discount code which inspired me to go in today. 

I sure hope one day she knows it was God's message. I hope I can see her again and perhaps leave a note that can maybe help her know or even feel the truth. Maybe I'll leave a rose with a Book of Mormon for her randomly this month to "LIGHT THE WORLD". That's for God to decide, but more than anything I want to always be willing to be a message piece and servant for God at all times, in all things, and in all places.

I am His and I want to live it LOUD

I will do anything to help be a part of His Divine Design!!!

WHEN GOD MAKES YOU WAIT

McKay and I on our wedding day.
Photography // Sadie Banks 

I was the girl that dreamed about going to BYU, finding the perfect guy, and getting married just a few years out of high school, I mean at least by the age of 20 because that's what Mormon girls do, right?. (Shh...don't tell McKay - this is our little secret) Clearly, God had other plans for my life....

Plans that then I didn't understand.
Plans that broke my heart and shattered it into a trillion pieces multiple times.
Plans that made me question if He even loved me.
Plans that could have filled an entire ocean with my tears.
Plans that had me questioning my worth, my value, my potential, and often my beauty.

But...
Plans that made every single tear, fear, and heartache worth it! 
Plans that were better than anything I could have ever imagined.

I can't thank Heavenly Father enough for the joy that I feel on a daily basis, or for the love that I have for my dear husband that never ceases to stop growing, or for the tender mercies of a beautiful place we call home where we make yummy healthy food, share the same hobbies, have tons of inside jokes, and laugh at least twenty times a day about the most random things. Life is incredible and my heart is indebted to my Heavenly Father for His patience with my doubts and tears.

Let's rewind a little bit to the hardest 10 years of my life to this point, shall we?

Ugh, dating... it's the worst. Don't get me wrong, it can be tons of fun and amazing, but man is it hard. It's not for the weak, especially when a little bit of heartbreak is involved. I can't even count how many times my heart got broken, and some were caused by the same guys over and over again. 

Dating was exhausting, there were times where it felt hopeless, times where I questioned my faith or wondered if I had completely blown the promises Heavenly Father had given me. 

I remember a particular season in my dating life where I just felt like I wasn't beautiful enough to be the wife of any guy. I would look in the mirror and the comparisons of girls in magazines ate me alive. It was my every thought and I felt beyond inadequate...you know why? Because Satan knew the great happiness that awaited me right around the corner. He knew the joy that my heart would sing and he wanted me to feel worthless... and girls, when you feel as if you don't have value or when your self-esteem isn't where it should be... you make poor decisions, you start to compromise your values, you become vulnerable to even more lies of the adversary which is why self-esteem is SO important!

There was another chapter of my dating life where this guy would be on again, off again all supposedly by the council of Heavenly Father. This guy said he wanted to marry me but God didn't want that for us and it broke my heart. It shattered me into pieces for well over a year as this was the length of time this guy would play the game. It wore at my heart and actually started to weaken my relationship I had taken so long to build with Heavenly Father. 

To be honest, I have no idea if Heavenly Father really gave him that revelation that he wasn't to marry me, or if he was just confused with his own feelings... I'll probably never know the truth about that one in this life and that's okay with me. But I do know I didn't receive that same revelation and for some reason, my mind started to have me believe that I wasn't spiritual and smart enough for this guy from the Lord's point of view. Not feeling enough really takes a toll on the spiritual, mental, and emotional health of a person. I honestly started to feel unloved by the Lord as this experience had my mind creating all sorts of thoughts and cognitive distortions that simply weren't true.

I do remember a particular evening when this guy and I had plans to go on a date as we were trying to make things work. Without even going on the date, he took me to a church parking lot where he told me for the umpteenth time that we couldn't date due to the revelation he had been given. It broke my heart and I couldn't stop crying. I received a priesthood blessing of comfort that night and in the blessing, one line stood out. It said, "This is the last time you will have to go through this." I thought that line was really interesting but wasn't quite sure what it meant. I felt strongly that it meant the next guy I would go on a date with would be him, the man I would marry. But of course, it didn't go as easily as I had hoped.

I actually broke up with McKay 3 months after we dated the first time based on strong spiritual promptings I couldn't shake away despite the fact that I REALLY didn't want to. But I was obedient...and then came the hardest 4 months of my life. Months where I spent anywhere from 3 hours to 20 hours a day crying. Some days I knew why I was crying and others I just couldn't even process anything but depression had never been so real. Never have I ever felt so worthless, only to feel like a grain of sand had more value then I. I was lonely more than I had ever been in my life...the only people I spent time with during these months were my brother, my mom, and my dad and there was quite a bit of contention at home and not a good environment. I was broken to my very core.

And then something happened, McKay texted me out of the blue one day to say he was sorry. I couldn't believe it... he had done nothing wrong. I was elated but worried all at the same time. I sure wanted to talk to him because I really liked him, but I was so scared that we couldn't be together because of the surety I had that it was the Spirit that had me break it off with him, and what if we would have to go through that all over again?

Well, we met up together to talk and started seeing each other every single day after that. Somedays I would beg Heavenly Father that McKay could be mine forever and always. For some reason, there was a fear though that seemed to linger and follow me everywhere. It was this fear that we wouldn't end up together. It was this fear that pierced my soul and caused me some of the greatest grief I had known. You see... I think I was suffering from PTSD of not having it work out with any guy I had ever dated. I had this deep fear that Heavenly Father wouldn't approve because that seemed to be the pattern in my life. 

I wish I could explain to you just how much agony I was in as this fear paralyzed me. I would often cry in McKay's arms and ask if marriage was ever in our future. (Heavenly Father's love is real... the proof is in the fact McKay didn't go running for the hills. For reals though, if there is hope for me - you better believe there is hope for you.) The anxiety I felt was immense pain, however, the joy that came after made every single moment and tear worth it! 

I can now look back and see what the line in that priesthood blessing meant, giving up McKay the first time was a test... a test for me to know how much I love the Lord. And then for Heavenly Father to not make me give up McKay the second time, was a token from Him to show how much He loves me and just how closely He listens to prayers. For all those years, I didn't even realize the bread God was offering me because I kept turning it into a stone. 

---------------------------------------

A special note to girls, if you're in the dating phase right now, just remember how much God loves you and that you are never alone! He is guiding you, He is watching over you, He is keeping His promises.

If you are waiting on God, know that His plans are perfect. He may not give you everything you want, but He surely will give you everything you need to have everlasting joy! His promises are better than anything our hearts would even know to long for. 

TRUST GOD & DO GOOD!! This is the formula to joy no matter what waiting phase you might be in! 

Learning to LOVE Yourself through Serving Others

Service used to be my middle name. I lived to help others, it was on my mind ALL THE TIME. I would come home from school to go pick up trash in the neighboorhood park, or I would ever so sneakily take up my neighbors trash can for them, or I would clean the entire house and leave notes on the beds for my family to find. It is what gave me great joy.

Then life got a little more hectic as I started to deal with some personal hardships and trials and somehow I allowed my heart to become blinded of the needs of those around me. 

The other day I was listening to a talk by President Eyering when a few words he said suddenly pierced my heart. 

"Sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love."
- President Eyring

 These simple words were a wake-up call, I had been feeling great sorrow in my life. Yes, so many incredible joyous blessings are happening around me but the mental and emotional battles I was facing inside made me feel as if I were drowning and somehow I allowed these weaknesses within me to shrivel up my heart as I become filled with much selfishness, causing much sorrow.

This winter season has been long, oh so very long. It's been a very dreary winter, but yesterday as I was in my car, I saw it. I saw the light. I saw the beauty of the snow. I saw the joy of the season; the winter season that Heavenly Father created with his intelligence of knowing what is best. I felt God's love overpour throughout my body and I felt peace and hope. It was there all along, but yesterday was the day it truly spoke to me.

It was a wake-up call to give love and serve those around me. It was a reminder that when we feel God's love, we can pass it on. But on the flipside when we serve and invite love into our hearts, God's love suddenly becomes more extremely acute even though it's been there all along.

Then this morning as I was searching for something I came across not one but two videos about service from two of my top 10 role models. It was an incredible wake-up call to me to DO SOMETHING! Yes, Heavenly Father needed to get my attention that service is love, it's forgetting you and going to work. 

Here's the videos:

If you want to love yourself a little deeper and you're looking for a remedy to have more joy, more confidence, and more kindness towards yourself....SERVICE is the answer! I will be finding ways to give service today. They may be small and simple things, but that's where the POWER lies. 

One scripture that I absolutely love is in 1 Peter 4:8 "And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins."

 Charity is the antidote to selfishness, because it CHANGES us. From the inside out it makes us want to sin no more. The mistakes we are making on a daily basis become almost non-excistent because our hearts change to become a little bit more like Christ. Yes, I have so much room to change and I am jumping up and down right now as I type this because Heavenly Father has wanted to remind me of what service is, He's wanted me to get up and do something for a long long time and how humbled I am by His gentle and peaceful reminder today.

2016 - Finding Hope and Healing Admist the Mess

This past year has been an interesting one. It's been very messy emotionally, it's been a struggle to find balance for all the things I feel called to do, and it's been one of learning and growing in a new life as I've fallen in love with the most amazing man. 

The trials that came up this year were unexpected, but that's just how life goes. Heavenly Father likes to keep us on our toes so we can learn and grow. We are here to be changed, changed for the better. We are here to draw near to our Savior, and to learn of Him and have the empathy and compassion that He unfathomably has. 

This year I've had some incredible experiences, ones that weren't so incredible in the midst of me going through them. There was a time this year when all I wanted to do was disappear off of the earth. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and yet after it was over my heart had this new connection to the Savior, one I hadn't felt before in all the 20-something years of my life.

It was the greatest blessing to be able to launch thepowerofonegirl.com, everything came together perfectly with the website design and the video we made, and the inspiration for what this blog was to be... I felt so connected to God and everything I had been working towards for the past 10 years was finally coming together; THEN life took over once again. I felt writer's block, I felt what I was doing didn't really matter, I felt STUCK (which is something I can't even begin to explain, but if you've experienced it before, you simply GET IT), and on top of all of that I had anxiety that paralyzed me and I don't use those words lightly. I knew my life had turned into chaos and something had to be done. On top of all of this I was experiencing some digestive issues and some not so fun physical symptoms and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. 

I had been to my family practitioner over and over again and nothing was ever being found. I asked a friend if she had any references of where I could find some help as she gave me the name of an incredible lady. Someone that has helped me immensely this year to have a deeper love for myself and a pointed me towards the messages Heavenly Father has had for me all along. As I've been able to filter out some false beliefs I have had about myself and the nature of God, I have found so much hope and a new sense of wholeness I've never had before. I learned that I have leaky gut which has been one of the main culprits of all the emotional and physical struggles I've been experiencing. 

Upon learning I had leaky gut, I've been approaching eating an entirely new way this year. At first, it was hard. At first, Satan would try and stop me with incredible dark forces from being healed. There were moments this year where I lost all hope, all light, and had no faith or hope in healing or in a need to be healed. I know Satan knows me, He knows my mission, and He knows how to throw the dark forces that have the potential to keep me from fulfilling what I was born to do, which I know with my whole heart ties so deeply into health. I've been able to line upon line learn how to silence Satan's words so I can take power over my own life and eat the foods that are good for my body which means completely getting rid of the SAD (Standard American Diet, it really is SO sad) I've been so accustomed to and eating ONLY whole foods and whole ingredients. 

It's been hard, I go to parties and people either think I'm weird or anorexic. People will say things to me like "You're already so skinny, you don't need to be on a diet." and other people will say "Someone has to be THAT person." UGH. Why do people say things like this? You know what, I know. It's because they aren't comfortable with who they are yet. They are still learning who they are, what their mission is, and what it means to truly love themselves. I've been there, in fact, I'm still there. Learning to really love me. We make judgments about others when we aren't content with ourselves. These judgments come in many forms from jealousy to comparison, to the unkind words we speak directly to others, to even the silent words we may say through our looks, our attitudes, or even the gossip to those whom we most trust. 

On this journey of learning about my physical and mental health, I'm embracing change and a chance to heal; fully and completely. It's not going to be easy. I have brokeness and emotions buried in me that haven't been dealt with, we all have these buried emotions. But it's beautiful that Heavenly Father allows the trials we experience to have deeper meaning than meets the eye. His plan is perfect!

I've been studying so much about holistic health and the way our bodies have the ability to heal and were meant to heal. We have the obstacles we have in this life so that we can learn to OVERCOME! Christ overcame death and we are here to learn how to be like Him. I have found so much incredible peace and joy in studying about healing, wholeness, and the nutrition benefits in all the food God has blessed us with. This year I will be going through a course to be a holistic nutritionist. I'm so incredibly excited. I want to help bring hope and wholeness to others. If you've had any questions about holistic health, we should talk. It is only through Christ we can find complete and everlasting wholeness, but nutrition sure plays a role in our relationship with Him because our emotions have a way of getting in the way and blocking off the Spirit.

So while it's been a year of learning, and growing, it's also been a year of answers, of hope, and of finding Christ in the most beautiful way. Good things are coming and the best is yet to be!

Book Review // Faith and a Life Jacket

Faith and a Life Jacket - 
7 Truths for your Eternal Mission

About the Book:

Author: Ben Bernards

Released: 2016

Publisher: Cedar Fort, Inc.

Genre: Spiritual/Inspirational

Book and Author Sources:

AMAZON | BOOKS AND THINGS | WEBSITE | FACEBOOK | 

Book Description:

Popular Youth Speaker, Ben Bernards recounts tales from his mission in Fiji, weaving stories of drunken mobs, rock bands, and rainstorms with scripture stories and principles learned.

The Result, seven eternal truths to train and guide a new generation of missionaries. These valuable lessons will help any missionary prepare for and make the most of his or her eternal mission. 

My Thoughts:

I was super excited when asked to review this book because I am a huge truth lover and a huge missionary advocate. In fact, my sister gets home from her mission in THREE DAYS!!! YAY! While this book is geared toward missionaries and teaching them truths and lessons that will really help them while on a mission, aren't we all on a mission? Seriously, this book is for EVERYONE!! So many scripture stories, so many helpful hints and tips to draw nearer to Christ, so many truths and lessons from such a great guy.


A Few of My Favorite Quotes:

"Timing is everything, and it's in God's hands."

"God can change caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into brilliant, precious diamonds using mostly just pressure and time. So if you feel like you're under a lot of pressure, maybe just give it more time."

"Change won't happen auto-magically or without consistent effort and sacrifice."

"Don't let tunnel vision prevent you from seeing God's hand around you."

"A heart full of gratitude will not have time for jealousy."

About the Author:

BEN BERNARDS // Ben Bernards grew up in a big Mormon family in a small farming town in the heart of Utah County where he and his 8 brothers and sisters were raised on a steady diet of Nintendo, Transformers, Dungeons&Dragons, and Star Wars. He geeks out on all that plus everything marching band, Marvel, and Tolkien (his autographed edition of Lord of the Rings is pretty much the coolest.)

He loves teaching youth the Gospel of Jesus Christ, whether it be in Seminary, Sunday School, at youth conferences or EFY. He served a mission on the Fiji Islands where he survived cyclones, rampaging natives, and swarms of giant bats while living in a hut in the jungle. (He still hasn’t convinced his wife to go back and visit.) He is the author of a new book about missionary prep for the millennial generation, which will be available in LDS bookstores this fall. 

He currently works as a project manager for a certain fruity computer company in Northern California where he loves to run trails with his wife, expand his board game collection, and make plans for building his own hobbit hole in the backyard.

Book Review // You've Got This!

You've Got This! - How to look UP when life has you down

Al Carraway, Chad Hymas, Whitney Laycock, Dallas Lloyd, Hank Smith, Tamu Smith, Zandra Vranes

About the Book:

Author: 7 inspiring people (Compiled by Elise Hahl)

Released: 2016

Publisher: Cedar Fort, Inc.

Genre: Spiritual/Inspirational

Book and Author Sources:

AMAZON 

Book Description:

Learn how to work through life's trials with advice from popular youth speakers who have endured a few challenges of their own. This encouraging book will help you see trials as essential stepping-stones to becoming the person you're destined to be.

My Thoughts:

I found myself picking up this book when I needed a few words of encouragement after a hard day. These stories are POWERFUL and very easy reads and they brought so much peace to my heart. I love the authors of these stories, all so funny, inspiring, and just real. I loved that scripture stories as well as real life moving events were being shared. 

Every LDS teen would benefit from reading this book to have more experiences they can add to the testimony they have already developed. 

A Few of My Favorite Quotes:

"God can use the damaging choices of others to lead us to where He wants us to be." - Hank Smith

"Sometimes you just gotta let go and let God." - Zandra Vranes

"When we recognize God pouring grace into our lives, it's difficult to remain sad and gloomy." - Tamu Smith

"Don't dwell on the could-haves, the should-haves, the wishes, and the wants." - Chad Hymas

"I focused on the things I could control, like reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. I saw these situations as challenges from Heavenly Father to prove myself and learn from the experience." - Dallas Lloyd

"Force yourself to say a prayer no matter how frustrated you are." - Al Carraway