I haven't blogged forever.
My heart is calling me to it. My heart is calling me to be transparent.
So maybe this post is for you.
Last night, I got into bed as I had just put down 'Born to Shine', Ashley LeMieux's new book and I was feeling like wow, this girl is freaking amazing. And then the tears started streaming, the ugly cry worked it's way up, and then the sobbing came. The trembling and struggling to breathe with my every ugly cry. My thoughts led me down to the displeasing road of comparison. That's right, I became caught up in the comparison trap.
I just couldn't stop thinking after everything Ashley from 'The Shine Project' had been through, why had I never seen her stop or even slow down on her business and social media. Why was she able to carry through during her darkest trials and keep showing up for her followers? It was as if she had started her journey on the mountain and when she fell, she just ended up on a mountain below her, but she never fell OFF the mountain. I felt as if I had started my journey on the street, sure sometimes I would make it up a few flights of stairs in a building, but I haven't even gotten to the mountain yet.
Here are just some of the things that I have currently been battling are:
- Weight issues (I have gained 30 lbs. in about 8 months) - people keep thinking I'm pregnant, I don't blame them. I sure look like I have a baby belly, but NOPE! NOT pregnant people! Just battling weight for the first time in my life. It hurts when gossip is spread about you in your ward and you even know the source. Someone you would think would be the LAST person in ANY ward to start the gossip.
And here's the think with weight issues, 97% of the time it has more to do with emotions and feelings of low self-esteem and being embarrassed many times in life than it has to do with eating. Don't get me wrong, eating PLAYS a HUGE role. BUT, emotions play an even bigger role; I mean think about it, we more often than not eat because of our emotions.
This weight issue came from feelings of worthlessness and shame. It's also a result of being on Paxil for the past two years. It's been a hard battle to accept, but I'm getting there... slowly leaning into it.
- Fear. SO MUCH FEAR. It's hard being a 30-year-old who hasn't even had children yet and you don't know how much longer your parents are going to live. Their health is going downhill very quickly, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I try and offer them all the tips I possibly can, but they have their own free will and I honor that as well. It hurts when you see your parents struggle in faith, but I guess it's a huge blessing that I would go to church alone growing up and my testimony was never tied to theirs.
But what hurts the deepest is the pit in my stomach when I think about the pain they go through physically and emotionally and threats have been made about suicide. When I see their hearts not being able to see the self-worth that lives within and your own parents wonder what they have to offer and if they matter.
- Then there is work. I don't really want to talk about my work at this time. I just know that this isn't where I need to be long term. It's helped me understand my mission & calling, but I am being limited to what these kids REALLY need. And I HAVE to find a way to give that to them. It's innate in me and I'm not going to give up until I do.
- The battle of depression. The battle of fighting the thoughts that I am not enough. I start to do something so inspired, so awesome and then... I get knocked back down to the street like I was sharing with you. I just want to get up to the mountain and stay there for a little, just once.
What is exciting though is I am down from 30mg of Paxil to 5mg and I'll be off in a little over a week. I will probably share the WHY and the HOW with you soon because it is SO important to me and dear to my heart.
Okay, so now that this post just got super depressing... let me turn it back around!
I am GRATEFUL for my trials. I am GRATEFUL I felt comparison so deep within me. That's a really uncomfortable feeling. It's a feeling where you feel unsafe. But you know what, it's part of my experience here on earth. If I choose to honor it, to let it stay as long as it needs to stay in my body... I start to not fight the resistance law where what you choose to resist stays with you longer until you choose to acknowledge EVERYTHING is working together for your good.
SO HONOR YOUR FEELINGS. The good. The bad. ALL OF THEM. Trust that they are there for you to experience because of The Fall. We can't move forward without accepting the fight that we are in. Light lives within us, and just because your light may be dimmed currently, doesn't mean it still doesn't live inside of you. It's going to get better! You're going to be able to breathe again. If it's not your happily ever after, it's not the end. Your story isn't OVER yet and neither is mine.
Let's get up, brush ourselves off and trust in the good that Christ promises. The hope that He offers. If you too feel like me and you just want to know what being on that mountain feels like, we will get there. We simply need to trust that the time we are spending on the street is teaching us things to be able to better help so many others we will find on the mountains when we get there.
Love, Ashley Romney
